Measuring Care

Most of us do not realize but we are always measuring the level of care that businesses, friends and family members are providing to us.

In a nutshell, the level of care is perceived to be higher if delivered when least expected. 

It is often said that parents love their children unconditionally. Those parents who actually do so can be observed to be providing the highest level of care. However, most parents do impose certain obligations upon their children. The more those duties and responsibilities are expected and imposed, the lower the perceived level of care. It doesn’t sound great, but it’s just how people end up feeling whether or not they choose to admit it. 

It is better to have anyone (employees, friend or family members) do something for you because they want to, not because they have to. Even if one has (secret) hopes for that person to care to a higher level, once outwardly expressed, it becomes an expectation. And the outcome is not as great -- even if they meet that expectation, it is perceived by the recipient of it having been done out of obligation rather than care. Somehow, the act of care alone is insufficient...we need to know that an act of care is done because they want, not because they felt obligated to, in order to assign a higher measure of care to the act.

Most people have a pecking order of their expectations whereby family members are expected to care the most, then comes close friends, then other friends or potentially close co-workers, then perhaps vendors, customers and finally strangers.

At first pass, one might imagine that this pecking order is a reflection of the obligations we have to these stakeholders. But when you look at the last category of strangers, most of us do not feel obligated to care for them and they do not expect you to do so. That is why when something happens to a person out on the street and another stranger comes to their aid, that person’s feelings of gratitude are extremely high because they do not expect the stranger to help but they chose to.

Companies serving customers are expected to care for them, but they do impose obligations such as “must redeem by expiration date to qualify for discount”. Customers understand that their care is limited as there are costs associated to doing business and a business does not exist to care at unlimited costs. When customers complain and the company chooses to remedy the situation not just to bring them back to par, but rather to give them a bonus, customers rave about the company because they did not expect to be cared for to that level.

Companies care for their employees because they are the lifeblood of the organization, but again, there are obligations and expectations. They pay an employee to do a certain job, and while many supervisors enjoy the company of their direct reports, if those expectations are not met, the employer often chooses to part ways with the employee. The care only goes so far as expectations are met. Again, if the employer gives the employee even just a little more than typically expected, employees can become very loyal and feel extremely cared for.

Family members often show care without the recipient asking for it and oddly, we often take it for granted because we expect it. So this expectation element is really key to making us feel good about the level of care received; this is how we measure care. If we expect it, we find it hard to show appreciation at the level it should be (such as the stranger receiving help from another stranger) at all times care is shown. Interestingly, if a family member expects another to do something because of their relationship, tensions often arise because innately, we expect family members not to impose obligations like companies might of their customers or employees. 

Friendships and marriages (spouses are arguably an extremely close friendship rather than family member -- look at the divorce rates) some times fall apart when too much expectation is placed on either parties. When the relationship becomes a burden, too tiresome or “high maintenance”, it pushes people apart. Even family members can become estranged when too large a wedge of expectation is placed between relatives. 

To maintain a harmonious relationship with people, watch those expectations and how you express them! While I'm not a proponent of bottling up one's feelings, some times certain things are best left unsaid. Sage advice from my own mother, "What's said, cannot be unsaid. Calm down before saying anything you can't take back." To counter that thought, each person's priority is different and some times it is important to openly communicate (tactfully) your minimum expectations. If minimum expectations are not met continually, the relationship will falter and likely end. Hence, it is indeed better to do something simply because it is expected than not to do it at all. 

To take one's level of care to the next level, the element of surprise is key. In order to delight a person, you need to surprise them with the unexpected. In hospitality, many firms strive to find those precious moments when a customer is not expecting a level of care or service, and when you deliver something unexpected, they think you have exceeded expectations and shown more care. So, the key to improving perceived care, is to manage and set expectations so that you have the opportunity to exceed those expectations and deliver a higher level of care, as measured by the recipient.