Do you choose to be committed, interested or disinterested?

When a stranger at the subway station passes by, you pretty much ignore them because you are disinterested in them. But if the stranger trips and falls right in front of you, you might become interested and ask if they are OK, which is the bare minimum for being polite. However, if that stranger grabs their chest and falls unconscious, you might become committed by calling 9-1-1, performing chest compressions and staying till the paramedics arrive on scene, even if it makes you late for your next appointment.

When you are interested in something, you choose to be accountable but you'd typically do the bare minimum -- when convenient -- and often need to be told what to do. If you are committed (e.g. to that relationship or role/job), you choose to be responsible; you take initiative (don't have to be told what to do) and tend to go above and beyond. Your highest chance of success in any endeavor you pursue comes from choosing to be fully committed. When you choose not to be accountable, you are -- by definition -- disinterested.

In a work setting, managers at companies often complain that it is difficult to find "good workers". What is the definition of a "good worker"? One could argue that the definition might depend on the role or the preferences of the manager. But I would argue that when you boil it all down, regardless of the job description or the manager style, the common theme for what any manager can identify in a "good worker" is that they are committed. The worker could be an intern, or even a volunteer, to a department head. There is an amazing, virtuous cycle that happens when team members see the commitment of others on the team and continue to push themselves to do even better. If you manage to hire team members who are fully committed, your results tend to soar. 

The interesting thing about this concept is that it applies to your personal relationships too. Whether it's family members or friends, we all have family members and friends who are either interested or disinterested, but not committed. The root cause is whether people feel there is a genuine connection. But even if there was once a connection, if not nurtured, that connection can fade over time. We might do things out of duty or some feeling of obligation, which is to be accountable, but anything more would be pulling teeth because the reality is that they are not fully committed. We don't choose our family, but most times, we choose our friends. When you choose your own friends, you feel a connection that compels you to take the initiative to meet up or reach out. 

When it comes to family events, how many people feel like they are dragging their feet to "show their face" and can't wait to leave or make every excuse in the book not to make it to the family get-together or only choose to show up whenever it's convenient for your schedule rather than make time for it? There is a real difference here that perhaps most of us in such a situation may not want to be honest with ourselves because it would make us feel bad. Though I don't think there's anything wrong with realizing that the family connection is simply not a strong enough one to necessarily convert that relationship from an interested or disinterested one, to one of commitment.

Even friends who used to be committed can become marginally interested or even disinterested. We've all had friends who used to make time to meet up, but over time, after continually never making the time, the connection and bonds of friendship have weakened. The naturally assumption is that such friends have ultimately become disinterested.

"Not having time" is a victim's mindset of having lack of control of one's time. If you embrace the "autonomy mindset" where you accept that you choose to spend time on X and not Y, you empower yourself by understanding that these are actual choices you are making. This takes honesty and personal accountability for your own choices. Some may be unwilling to be honest with themselves that they have become or are essentially disinterested in their own family members, friends, job or volunteer activities. The connection of blood relations or simply having employment at a company may be there, but it may not be a sufficiently strong connection to make them act with commitment (e.g. it is a job rather than a career). Their actions are indicative of their underlying feelings about these personal, work or volunteer relationships. No matter how uncomfortable that might feel, if one can confront this reality, they can also change it...but only if they so choose. 

If you want that work or personal relationship to soar, all parties need to be fully committed. But if your desire is to get there and no one is committed (yet), the decision would be whether you are willing to be the first person to demonstrate that commitment and try to change that relationship over time, knowing that it's not entirely in your power to do so but you could start by leading by example. 

It is also perfectly OK to reconsider focusing your time and efforts on relationships that may be built on more fertile soil where that connection runs deeper or is in greater alignment with your current interests, needs or goals at this juncture in your life. After all, our life experiences shape us constantly, and we all change over time in ways that may not make a connection worth nurturing. But eyes wide open and with honest self-reflection, we are choosing to be committed, interested, or disinterested with the very choices we make in each relationship or engagement we take up.